Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Birthday musings

Today I am 31. I am no longer 30, but IN my THIRTIES. I was expecting to feel rather hesitant to jump into the 30's but I find I am very at ease about the whole thing.

It's 10pm, and I'm calling my birthday pretty much over. I'm ready to hit the hay, but before I do, I thought I would take a moment and look back at 30. I warn you this is going to be a rambling jumble of randomness, but I'm just writing my thoughts as they come through, unedited.. so here goes..

Am I where I thought I would be?
Did I accomplish what I wanted to?
Have a grown as a person, and acted as a good soul in the universe?
Have I given back as much as I should have?
Did I love as much as I should have?
Did I forgive as much as I should have?
Most importantly, did I learn anything this year?

I think this was the year that I learned a lot about myself. What I want. What I certainly don't want. Whether it was work, or my goals, my dreams, for myself, I now have a clearer picture.

I have also been through a lot with Dave.. got engaged, Davey's kidney issue, Dave starting his own business, my issues at work, my issues with work, my issues with work....

Other happenings
I bashed my f**n car against a tree in my driveway. What a F**n idiot..
I got whiplash, and now I'm seeing a chrio.. whom is awesome by the way.
I've gained an obscene amount of weight because I basically sat on my ass all year.
I dropped my online class because I just have had no motivation for it, which means there's something else afoot I need to attend to, since that is very unlike me to not love school. (my guess is that I'm in the wrong subject matter duh, leelee)
I've driven myself into a fine corner at work.
Dave and I discovered snowshoeing.
I also taught him how to play golf.
We made some of the best wine ever created.
I found out what it was like to be scared in your core that the one you love was sick. It's never easy no matter how many times you go through it.
I went to Baltimore (place I've never been)
read many good books
walked out of a movie (Watchmen OMG.. it was horrendous)
Had a great brunch with great friends
Spent some great time with family
Watched my Mary graduate
Reconnected with old friends
Made new friends from the unlikeliest of circumstances
Had my faith tested severely
Took the "law" into my own hands.
Planned a wedding
De-planned a wedding
Re-planned a wedding
Found many things to laugh at with THO
Many inside jokes
mornings together
lounging in PJs
porch conversations
and the list goes on and on..

Here's what I need to fix..without going into too much detail.

I have to get real about a few things.
I have to be honest with myself on a few things.
I have to let go of a few things.
I have found the simple things that make me happy, however I have let the one or two stressors affect my entire picture.. must keep things separate.
I must let go and trust.. there's no reason NOT to.
and everyone thinks I'm hard on myself. I don't think I'm hard ENOUGH on myself. But if what they say is true, then I shall try hard to be more kind to myself.

Put all together it may seem that have had difficulty, but it's just a mere laundry list of things I need to work on, and remind myself.

SO here's what's ahead.

I will fix several of the issues that I have been dealing with.
I will do more for myself,and hopefully spend more time with my handsome one.
I will work very hard to let go of the obstacles that I create for myself - for most of the issues I think there are in my relationship, or at work, or for myself, I am making mountains out of molehills.
I will get back to my healthy self. Starting in 8 hours as of right now..
I want to try at least one new thing
I want to hang out with my family more. I miss them.
I want to be a better friend to my friends. I have not done so well in keep in touch, or getting together. I miss them all and want to remedy that this year.

As far as Davey goes, I just want to be the best person I can be for him and for me. I want him to be happy.
I want to make him happy.
I want to be the partner he deserves
I want to be the partner I always wanted to be.

I would really like to get involved in some sort of community event or charity thing. I have no idea yet, but there are so many fun events for good causes.

I would really like to focus on my bike this year. And maybe get back into golf.
Snowshoeing is a MAJOR MUST this winter.. right from the get go.. no excuses.. We have really nice snowshoes now, let's use them.

And yes I know I'm a geek, but.. I miss playing chess.

I would really like to get some sort of game night going with Dave. .I don't care if it's freakin Chutes n ladders.. but we need to socialize with other couples once in a while.

Work..[edited by the censors]

Ok, so I have rambled enough. I look forward to the adventure that lies before me.
I cannot wait to see what the next 365 days has in store for me..