Thursday, February 26, 2009

Lent Day 2

Today is the second day of Lent. After going through the Ash Wendesday Mass, it's now time to decide on a theme, and go with it for the duration of the 40 days.
In talking with a great friend of mine, and discussing my issues with my faith and religion, he suggested that I select the theme of Back to the Roots... get back to the roots of my faith, and see if I can find what I'm looking for there. I thought that was a fabulous idea, so that's what I'm going to do.. Begin at the beginning.

Bereshit, there was nothing...... Perfect- that's exactly where I am at. In the great black nothingness.. but it's everything..rather Buddhist if you think about it.. Ok now what.
What are the fundamentals? What is the most basic of being a Catholic? The cornerstone?

I open the floor up to everyone..

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Beautiful sunny day

After the deluge of snow that pounded the state, I'm glad to say we've finally dug out.
Not a lot going on this week. Work is going to be busy. Davey and I hope to get out and do more snowshoeing. He's getting ready for his up-coming flyshows - 6 more to go until the season is over.

AND NOW, my favorite Holiday... yes, folks, it's that time again.. yes, it's Lent..

Yes I know that's not a holiday, but to me it is. To me it's the perfect season of inner reflection, deep soul searching, and the time to ask those profound questions I have been putting of.

So, how am I doing as a person? a Catholic person? a human being in the universe in general?
How am I doing as far as my relationship goes? Am I being a good girlfriend, am I where I need to be to be a good wife?

.. and on and on..

Usually I have a theme, picking a virtue, or some such topic...

So perhaps you will catch me blathering on on this blog, trying to work through..

I SHOULD do the Spiritual Exercises, but I'm not feeling all that Jesuit-y these days..

Unless someone out there has a topic for me.. (Jean, I already know what you're going to say..*L*)

Ok.. so Bon Mardi Gras, mes amis!!

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a while...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Sunnier day?

Today is a beautiful day. After a fantastic Valentine's weekend, where Davey and I spent some wonderful quality time snowshoeing on the Hobbit Trail, and going to dinner at our fave spot (Riverfront BBQ), and just hanging out, it's now back to work time. So how do I feel today?

At home, Davey and I decided to get healthy. We bought some books on health and eating, and are trying the lower carb, higher lean protein (no, not just lean meats, but almonds, soy, etc.), and cutting out the sugar. All sugar.. including tomatoes and onions... BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE SALSA???!!!

This morning we got up at 5:30 and got on the treadmill and Gazelle and watched the morning news while exercising. We then had healthy protein filled omelets for breakfast, and I am happy to say that I felt good and not hungry until lunchtime...
Yesterday, as far as that goes, I had a detox of a time. Lack of sugar and caffeine caused me fatigue and a headache, and extreme grouchiness (sorry Davey.. ) but it was gone after a good night's sleep.

Other than that, things are going primo. Work today is going better. I feel clearer, a little more encouraged, and left Friday feeling like maybe B. and I can come up with a way where a few things gets fixed. I've had a "come to Jesus" with the NH I'll just help wherever I can, and take the knowledge that I learned out of it, which is quite substantial.
In other geek news, I bought an EasyCap off of ebay the other day. The purpose of this gadget was that Davey needed a demo on a VHS tape to be put not only on DVD, but autoscripted to loop for his fly shows.. It took me about 20 minutes to get it done, which is really reasonable.
One thing I'm really happy about from this weekend was getting to have lunch with Carrie.. I really miss that girl, and it was great catching up. She looks absolutely fabulous, and seems like things are going great for her and Jon. I feel bad we don't talk more.. Sounds like we're going through a lot of the same issues too. Faith wise and such.. but it was really good to see her.
SO to end today, things are going better... We'll see what tomorrow brings.. but I'm a tad more encouraged. Maybe it's because the sun has been shining, and I have been able to get outside and play a bit.. that's probably it.. things look worse with cabin fever perhaps?? Spring is on its way!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Be the change

So says Ghandi....

Today was slightly better, though not by much. But I came to an enlightenment today. The change starts with me. So, painful as this is going to be, I'm going to have to stop, and take stock of my work ethic, failures, as well as strengths (let's not be completely depressing here) and try to move forward in a productive and positive manner. Meanwhile, I'm going to try very hard not to get discouraged.

But here's what I think.. what happens at my job has absolutley no bearing on who I am as a person.. I'm going to keep repeating that until I start believing it. No bearing on who I am as a person. I think I'm a nice person. I think as a person I am somewhat competent, though every day I am feeling less and less smart. Maybe..just maybe those ASVAB people were right about me..

Ok.. so positive action. I will take the suggestions that B. is going to give me.. and I am expecting them to be harsh statements.. but I asked for them.. because I need to know where I stand... how else can I move forward, and FURTHERMORE how can I dare stand there and bitch about other people when I'm not even looking at myself. That's not very fair.. so I am going to take these statements, and use them as a jumping off point to get better.. to be better.

If the statements come back that I have nopotential on this path.. then I shall take that, and find another direction to take.. I am thinking that perhaps if things get parental around here, that maybe following a teacher's schedule might be the best course of action. So I plan on taking the necessary steps to maybe have that as an option.

I am tired of worrying about this. Tired of questioning myself. I used to be more confident than this..I jst feel bad Davey has to put up with me.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

keeping focus

I'm having a bit of a low day today.
What started out as an extremely productive day,m where I was learning all sorts of wonderful programming things, turned to an afternoon of self-doubt, and discouragement. How did that happen? Maybe my blood sugar was low, and things seemed much worse than they really are...could be. Or is it the fact that my morale is completely depleted due to work issues. Things are being handled not as well as they could have there, though I will refrain from giving details, nothing juicy, I'm sorry to say..
However, I am woman enough to say that I am willing to take responsibilities for my failures... I have many, I admit they were my fault. But others, I've been the scapegoat as of late, and it's getting rather discouraging.
So this has led to what. I'm feeling not very confident about myself. My intelligence, my work ethic, my weight - I feel horrendously fat..., all of it. If it wasn't for Davey making me smile, and making me very happy to see him.. hmm.. it would all probably be much much worse.
I have to remind myself that so far I've only bee doing jobs that were easy, that I could do with my eyes closed, with really no challenge. So I took this job as an opportunity to learn, to hone my programming skills, and to do what I really like to do (databases). So if they don't like me, and don't like the work I do.. at least I can walk away with having learned lots, and maybe had a very small hand in analyzing the data that changes policy - aka the legislation on BAC testing in accidents that's going in front of the legislature currently. I have been re-assured with the " Don't be ridiculous.... no one is thinking of asking you to go" statement.. but the seed of fear has been planted, and it's not going anywhere for a while.
Remedy? Ok.. so what I have to do to not get completely annihilated here, is to focus on positive things.. ok what are they..
1. Davey. He's wonderful. I love him, and I can't wait to marry him. nuff said.
2. Health... need to focus on my running and weight training...WAAY more than I have been.
3. School - so after the wedding I will start- actually - re-start grad school. Very excited about that
4. In April I get to teach again.. yay!
5. Mumma is doing well, and so far no cancer activity...
6. I have wonderful freinds and family who gve me great advice.. things like : You don't own it, Leelee... or work is work, and it has no bearing on the kind of person you are. Falaalaa
All wonderful points, but very hard to remember when you're in the thick of a big mess.
You know what I need? I need to run.. I need to do Yoga, and clear my mind.. get centered... feel better about myself.
Argh.. I need to go to bed and read a good book, and call it a night.. tomorrow will be better. It has to be.. when you're at the bottom of the barrel, the only way is up..
And finally, no matter what happens, I will be ok... just keep focused!