What started out as an extremely productive day,m where I was learning all sorts of wonderful programming things, turned to an afternoon of self-doubt, and discouragement. How did that happen? Maybe my blood sugar was low, and things seemed much worse than they really are...could be. Or is it the fact that my morale is completely depleted due to work issues. Things are being handled not as well as they could have there, though I will refrain from giving details, nothing juicy, I'm sorry to say..
However, I am woman enough to say that I am willing to take responsibilities for my failures... I have many, I admit they were my fault. But others, I've been the scapegoat as of late, and it's getting rather discouraging.
So this has led to what. I'm feeling not very confident about myself. My intelligence, my work ethic, my weight - I feel horrendously fat..., all of it. If it wasn't for Davey making me smile, and making me very happy to see him.. hmm.. it would all probably be much much worse.
I have to remind myself that so far I've only bee doing jobs that were easy, that I could do with my eyes closed, with really no challenge. So I took this job as an opportunity to learn, to hone my programming skills, and to do what I really like to do (databases). So if they don't like me, and don't like the work I do.. at least I can walk away with having learned lots, and maybe had a very small hand in analyzing the data that changes policy - aka the legislation on BAC testing in accidents that's going in front of the legislature currently. I have been re-assured with the " Don't be ridiculous.... no one is thinking of asking you to go" statement.. but the seed of fear has been planted, and it's not going anywhere for a while.
Remedy? Ok.. so what I have to do to not get completely annihilated here, is to focus on positive things.. ok what are they..
1. Davey. He's wonderful. I love him, and I can't wait to marry him. nuff said.
2. Health... need to focus on my running and weight training...WAAY more than I have been.
3. School - so after the wedding I will start- actually - re-start grad school. Very excited about that
4. In April I get to teach again.. yay!
5. Mumma is doing well, and so far no cancer activity...
6. I have wonderful freinds and family who gve me great advice.. things like : You don't own it, Leelee... or work is work, and it has no bearing on the kind of person you are. Falaalaa
All wonderful points, but very hard to remember when you're in the thick of a big mess.
You know what I need? I need to run.. I need to do Yoga, and clear my mind.. get centered... feel better about myself.
Argh.. I need to go to bed and read a good book, and call it a night.. tomorrow will be better. It has to be.. when you're at the bottom of the barrel, the only way is up..
And finally, no matter what happens, I will be ok... just keep focused!